Big Brother

Today is my little brother's birthday. How old is he? I don't know. In fact I only know one siblings age with absolute certainty. How crazy is that? Two brothers, two sisters, and I only know how old one of them is for sure. I never really felt that bad about it though. Growing up I wasn't really around to celebrate their birthdays with them, nor was I told how old they were. I had a million excuses to pad the feeling of guilt. That is until today. Yesterday I spoke with my dad on the phone, he told me that my little brother's birthday was today. I said something generic like "ok" or "that's cool." Didn't ask how old he was or what his number was so that I could call him, just "ok." Today around noon my phone rang with a number I didn't recognize. As usual with numbers like that, I ignored the call and let it go to voicemail. A few minutes later I checked the voicemail. It was my little brother.

My little brother had to call me on his birthday. Not only that, but he had to tell me that it was his birthday in the message.

Yeah, wasn't feeling to great after that. I sat and thought about what that meant. Instantly I tried to justify my lack of a relationship with the little guy by thinking about the big brother he grew up with (on his mother's side). He had a big brother, he didn't need me, right? Yet here he is calling me on his birthday. Of course my father probably played a significant role in my little brother's call, but even knowing that didn't make me feel better about the situation. For most of my life I didn't have a relationship with my older brother. Partially for lack of interest on either side and partially because of our age gap and physical distance from each other. Eventually it hit him that he should develop some kind of relationship with me, and we've been tight ever since. Now I wonder when and if that will ever hit me.

Of course I instantly wanted to start that process of actually being a big brother, but just as instantly my mind was flooded with all the reasons that right now isn't the right time. Honestly I can barely keep in touch with people on campus even with their cell phone numbers, Facebook, and Twitter. How can I justify even trying to begin and maintain a relationship with a boy 300+ miles away whose number I just got today? Who I'm not sure I'd be able to even talk to that often. I know how much I was hurt by now and then relationships growing up and I'd put this kid through the same thing. Then again, talking to him every once in a while is better then not at all right? These are the thoughts that have been going through my mind, basically how much does my little brother need me in his life. Selfish huh?

Things should just be simple. I should want to maintain contact just because he's my little brother, not because of some weird obligation to be there for a kid that needs me. Well... guess I got some stuff to think about. Some actions to take as well. I already called him back and left a message before I wrote this, we'll see what that leads to.

UPDATE: My little brother called me again tonight and I actually got to talk to him for a little bit. I was able to play it cool, asked him how old he was (Even though I couldn't stand it when my father would ask me that every year growing up), and how the family was doing. He said he was good, and that he was happy I answered because he thought I didn't want to talk to him. That really hit home. I told him I would save his phone number and try harder to stay in touch with him on a more regular basis. Guess there's no more time to waste. I've missed telling him happy birthday on his birthday for the past 12 years. That can't happen anymore. Today started year one.