Fear

"Face your fear and your fear will disappear"

Jazmine Sullivan has an amazing song on her Fearless album called "Fear". It's probably my favorite song on the album. I've known for a long time what my biggest fear is, and with each passing day it feels like that fear is slowly becoming realized. I thought about that today. My biggest fear could become my reality. With that realization didn't come fear, or sadness, just acceptance almost. How have I gotten to the point of acceptance with something I've feared since I was a kid? This fear is a fear that I will never get married and have someone to spend the rest of my life with. This year has been absolutely horrible for my love life and for my mind so far. There's not much else to say right now. We'll see what happens.

Old Life

"Remember the old me?"

People talk about who they used to be and what they used to do a lot. Whether it's old guys talking about their glory days or friends thinking about the good ol' days this nostalgia strikes quite often. I'd lie if I said I never thought about my past life, but I'd also lie if I said I missed it. I look back at my job as an RA and realize it really held me back. I was in it for the resume more than anything. I enjoyed it the first year and thought it was the absolute best job any college student could have, which is why I did it again the next year. I couldn't imagine then how much that job was holding me back from better jobs and better opportunities around campus. Now I do, and I get to enjoy a job I'm much happier with, free time, and more of a social life that I forfeited for that job. Listen to "25 to Life" by Eminem from his recovery album and you'll understand how I feel.

Love Lost

My last serious relationship ended in February. We were together for a little while, had some rough times, the usual. What was unusual about it, was the fact that we didn't really express our feelings that much or that well. In all honesty, when I ended the relationship I loved that girl. She doesn't know that though, as I never told her. The relationship got to the point where it couldn't be casual anymore. I either had to fess up and tell her I loved her and wanted to make things "official" or I had to end it so that we could both start moving on. Needless to say I chose the latter. But just like any other choice, sometimes I wonder how things would've worked out if I chose the former. We really did have a good thing, and none of our issues were "unsolvable" so it could've worked either way. When I decided to end things it was for good reasons though, and reasons I still stand by. Do I think I made the wrong decision? No. Could I have waited? Yes. But in waiting, I just would've prolonged the inevitable and wasted time for both of us. Making what I knew was the right decision so early wasn't easy at all, but I do find comfort in knowing it was the right decision. She's moved on to a happy relationship, and I'm enjoying my somewhat single life. Who knows what the future may hold in store for me. For now I'm taking it day by day.

In other news, thoughts of the USAF still won't go away. I'm realizing I'm a bit further from settling down and having a clear path in life than I realized. Oh well, like X said "Don't stress it, it'll come." Of course the context is completely different and has absolutely no application to this blog post.

Dreams of yesterday

When I was a freshman in high school I wanted to be a pilot in the Air Force. As a approach my senior year of college I'm on course to receive my bachelors in Psychology on my way to a MA and PhD (from another university of course). Yet for some reason the ghost of my past dreams has resurfaced, and now I'm contemplating the USAF again. I don't know why, maybe it's all the military people I've encountered over the years. Whether its friends in ROTC, my best friend overseas, or the guy who's moving in with me next semester, I've been constantly reminded of my decision not to take the military route. Having so many reminders makes me wonder if maybe I should take that route again. Who knows what the final decision will be, but the picture got a little less clear lately. I'll figure it out eventually.

Being The Other Man

I'm the one who's there when he's not. Im' the one you come to when you don't want to think about how bad your relationship is or if you just want to forget about the troubles of life. I'm the one you feel no commitment to. I'm the one who only gets parts of you. I'm the reminder of your past who may or may not fit into your future. I'm the ghost that appears in your nightmares and the light that brightens up your day. I'm the one who does it like he never could. I knew you before he did. I loved you before he did. I'm the one who longs for more, but settles for less. I forget my morals and lay them to the side for you. I press my lips against yours, our bodies intertwine like a mosaic of mocha and peach. I make you feel loved, yet make you feel like a whore. I believe the words that come from your mouth because I close my eyes to your actions. I've made the same mistake that many men and women before me have made and I still come back for more. I'm the other man who may never be your only man.

Small town summer...

As is usual lately, I don't have any big plans this summer. Just to switch things up though, I have my own apartment so I'm staying here all summer. This town is a whole different beast with no one here. I've done it before as an orientation leader and a summer camp counselor, so there were others with me. Not so much this summer. As for as co-workers all I have is the other campus rep who's not really my biggest fan, so time spent together outside of work is minimal. Needless to say, this has definitely been a different summer. Fortunately it didn't take summer school too long to start, so there are signs of life here again. In fact I'm going out to the village tonight with a new group of friends I met randomly over the weekend. Here's to a fun night! I'll have a more detailed update of my summer thus far sometime later this week.

2012

According to some people, the world will end in just over two years. Two years and everything we know, every person we've loved, the very evidence of our existence will be gone.

I am not one of those people.

The whole 2012 concept seems to be bogus. Just a bunch of hype and I refuse to believe it. Is it impossible? No, nothing is impossible, just like it's not impossible that Jesus was the son of God, Muhammad was a messenger/prophet, or that Buddha is holy. It takes just as much faith to believe in 2012 as it does to believe in anything else not solidly founded in science. My lack of belief has nothing to do with faith or science. Honestly, it's just selfishness.

Yesterday  went on a bike ride and I saw a lot of people, but two things stood out to me. An old couple holding hands, and all the families with children. I saw the old couple and I wondered if they knew when they first met that they'd be spending the rest of their lives together (of course that's making the assumption they met when they were young). I want to have that with someone. I want to be that old couple walking by the water holding hands. I want that, yet I know I won't have it before 2012, I'll only be 25 when the predicted end of the world happens. That's nowhere near old enough to really appreciate the time I've been with someone like that old couple does. And while that's enough time to have a kid and raise it for a couple of years, it's not enough time to have a family. I want a family. I want to be able to teach my kids about life and watch as they ignore my warnings. I want to lay next to my wife and tell her I love her every night and every morning. I know I'm not the only one who wants all that, there are millions if not billions of other people on this earth looking for the same thing. Not only do I want it, but I believe I'll have it some day. Someday after 2012. The thought that I could miss out on so much of life really scares me. It's that fear that drives me to believe the 2012 theory is nothing but hype. And if it isn't all hype, and the world does end in 2012, well... guess it'll be too late to care if I was right or wrong then.  

Virgin Suicides

Virginity. What does it mean to you? I can't say it meant anything to me personally. For those of you who know my story, you may understand why. For the most part, I don't really get into other people's business when it comes to virginity. It's their choice to do it or not. My only thing is that I won't date a girl or have sex with a girl who is a virgin, unless I see us going the distance. In the few times I've talked to people who are serious about saving it for marriage the conversation is usually pretty nice. No fighting, or stupid arguments, just an exchange of views on the subject. Lately I've found myself entangled in the mind of another girl who is saving it for marriage. For her, its's definitely a religious thing, and she seems deathly afraid of STD's. Someone who is serious about saving it for marriage may find the dating scene in college to be quite unforgiving. According to her "Guys only go for fast girls," which makes her question if she really wants to save it. She's already come close (I'd say technically she's done it), but she has yet to take the full plunge. I don't know if it's my new perspective on life and religion, or something subconscious, but something about her situation really bothers me. I guess it just seems like she's making it into a big huge deal, but she only treats it like that most of the time. I say most of the time because this is the same girl who, in our first conversation, brought up the "freaky pictures" she takes of herself and offered to send them to me. At first I thought maybe she had "daddy issues" but he's still around. Makes me wonder about the time the do or don't spend together. Either way, she really wants to feel that romantic connection with someone, and for many (including myself) that connection involves more than she's willing to give.

I'm not saying sex and romance go hand and hand, for they're two very separate entities, but I don't think there's anything wrong with having sex with someone if you have strong enough feelings for them. Some may call those feelings love, others may call it lust, either way, there's something in the mind that makes the act more than physical recreation. As far as the religious stance people take on it, that's really been lost in translation. I won't go into it too much here, but for those interested look up the the Greek word for 'fornication' you may be surprised by the results. In the end, what we do with our hearts and minds in a relationship should take precedent over our genitals touching. This past week another girl told me she won't have sex until she's married or until there's a 100% method of doing it with getting an STD. No, the fact that condoms give you 99% protection isn't enough for her. That's just an excuse though. Yes, both of these girls are scared, but it's not a fear of STD's, sinning, or having a man look at her as damaged goods and refuse to take her hand in marriage. It's got to be something else. I don't know why, but something tells me it is. Or maybe I've just over-analyzed an entire situation that really isn't any of my business anyway. Like I said, I don't really care much, but the lack of a logical argument from these two girls really annoys me. What bothers me, and what I do care about are the underlying issues and messages that may lay in their subconscious minds that prevent them from making a logical argument for something they're convinced they care so much about.  

Sometimes

Sometimes I wish love never existed

Like a drug fiend I'm addicted and trying to kick it

Emotions can go with it

I could really do without

All I need is logic, feelings only create doubt

And pain

All lies

No gain

I'm tired

Of the shame I feel when I'm lacking

I just start acting

Like I'm happy and content

With a loveless life of no passion

Love is a drug and I'm looking for a dealer

Like a girl with bad acne is looking for concealer

Or a group of refugees is looking for a leader

I'll seek her, look in every place that I can think of

Drive myself crazy thinking everything could be love

Then when I find her, I don't know what would happen

My past says it won't last because of something I'm lackin'

When I think of it that way I guess I take it back then. 

I've loved and lost, now I'll never love at all.

Hope you feel the frost off my cold shoulder when you fall

For someone else, and they just let you down

He's not like me! I figured you see that by now

I'm what you need, what you want. Open your eyes

And watch as what you need walks out before the sunrise.

Who's got the BEST best friend ever??

THIS GUY!!!!

BIG THANKS TO MR. ALEX GRANT

LOVE YOU MAN, CAN'T WAIT UNTIL YOU GET BACK!

Pursuit of Happiness

"I'm on a pursuit of happiness and I know everything that shines ain't always gonna be gold"
-Kid Cudi

Today I realized that shiny things excite me. Probably a little too much. I automatically see value in what could be fools gold, and only end up disappointed in the end. I wish I knew why it seems to happen like that so much. Maybe I'm just too desperate for gold. I want to find it so bad that I jump at the very chance that anything shiny may be gold. Maybe I'm scared of missing out on real gold, so I treat each potential situation as if it's the real thing. I mean when it comes down to it, we all want gold. We all want something valuable, something genuine, it's just a matter of how bad we sant it, and what we're willing to do to get it. I can't say I don't have any gold in my life, though sometimes we disappoint each other I consider my mother gold, Alex (my best friend from the beginning) is certified gold, my buddies on the debate team (Lindsey, Joel, Carrie) are definitely gold, pretty sure if you're reading this, I probably consider you gold too :-) Unfortunately, I've come across lots of fool's gold as well.

You were shiny
I saw potential
I fell for it
As I look closer
I see you for what you are
And I see what a fool I was
Fool's gold.

Very interesting article on FB and dating.

LOL

 A friend was just telling me about how the mormon evangelist on campus look at her when she tells them she's agnostic. Then I find this. Hilarious. 

All you need to know about Sci-Fi geeks

This is for G

Somebody should buy me this shirt. I promise I'll wear it!

Minus the foul language, I've been in this situation so many times as a kid. Oh memories

Uh oh...

:-)

It's been a while. Funny how having a job changed my blogging schedule. Life is good. I really hope I get paid tomorrow. I signed up for direct deposit and we get paid weekly, so I got both a paper check and a deposit last week, but I wonder if the deposit was the paper check I would've gotten Monday. If so, I don't know if I'll be getting anything tomorrow. Guess I'll have to find out.

Beyond that, NEDA (Debate) Nationals were a couple of weekends ago. I opted to debate alone again, and made it to semi-finals. Not bad, I guess. Now I'm toying with the idea of changing my division next year. Going to Varsity would be interesting. It's less fun to watch, but debate isn't exactly a spectators event anyway. The idea is appealing for now, we'll see what's going on next year though.

Finding new roommates sucks. Big time. Both of the girls I live with now will be leaving (instead of just one) so I have to find two new roommates quickly. I don't know what happens if I don't. I found out about this a bit too late though. Everyone has already signed their leases for the most part, so things aren't looking to great. It'll work itself out though.

The campus rep job is going pretty well so far. The only issue is trying to find ways to fill hours. We've done a couple of workshops already, but not much else. I got into the game late, but for some reason I'm planning everything, reserving everything, and learning everything while the guy who's had the job since January just sits back and does nothing. He's been to focused on us just setting up tables at Greek events (which don't start until April) to put any energy into this job. I'll admit, he's got a lot on his plate, and our big responsibilities don't hit until Orientation, but still. This is ridiculous. Maybe he just needs time though.

Life is good. I'm hungry right now, but life is good :-)

(Side note: My academic advisor asked me to work in her research lab next year! I'll finally be getting some real experience in my major. I was questioning whether I made the right choice going into Psych, the invitation to be a part of this lab was just the boost I needed. I've seen a lot of my peers get internships lately, but they're not too easy to come across in my field. Now, I've got something pretty close to one. Life is good.)

I post this as I prepare to microwave my dinner for tonight... Hilarious! :-)

Stouffers To Include Suicide Prevention Tips On Single Serve Microwavable Meals

Amazing

Bored

People, in general, bore me. Recently I had to take a long look in the mirror and think about some stuff. During Nationals for debate I spent a lot of time with one of the new females on the team. We weren't partners or anything so everybody seemed to notice the time we were spending together. Eventually the spectators decided to become commentators and told this girl that all I wanted to do was have sex with her. She didn't buy anything they were saying and told me about it. I was pissed, these are supposed to be my friends and they're saying things like this behind my back? That's not how friends treat each other. It hurt because of how close I've been with these people lately, but this isn't the first time they've painted me as a "man-whore" so I had to sit back and think about why this keeps happening. Apparently in telling my new friend about how I wanted to get in her pants, a couple of girls on the team were able to give examples of advances I've made towards them. Their stories were true, I made those advances, so that made it easier to understand why they think this way about me. Then I had to look at myself, why did I make this advances at these girls that I really had no attraction to or interest in? That's where the boredom comes in. 

If I don't something interesting about the people I'm interacting with, I'll fallback to something that does interest me, sex. By the time I've decided that sex is the topic of choice, I don't really care about what this person thinks about me so I'll say just about anything though the words carry little weight (at least to me). Unfortunately, that is what's happened with most of the people on this team, thus I have the "man-whore" rep. Not because of any actions, as I haven't hooked up with anyone on the team, but because of talk. The new girl, and even the new guy I had been partnered with at the last tournament, were actually interresting people. I don't have to introduce sex into the conversations with either of them, but because of the rep I have with the rest of the team it's assumed that I'm just talking to her to get in her pants. The sexual conversations also serve as a way to distance these people from me. Since I've keptthem at such a distance, they don't know me, but since I've kept them at a distance through the sexual conversations they've still painted me as a shallow man that only wants sex. 

So, to summerize all this: People bore me, sex doesn't. I talk to boring people about sex, and sometimes go to far because I don't care. Keeping the conversations sexual keeps a real relationship from developing with the boring people. In general we like to think we k ow people so we'll use whatever info we have to paint an image of them. The image the boring people have of me is that of a shallow "man-whore."

I've created this world and I have to deal with it. I can't really be upset with these people if I've only let them see just one side of me can I? Guess I'll just have to figure that out myself.

My best friend.

Tonight, for the first time ever, I needed you and you weren't just a call away.

Miss you man.

When you want things done right...

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

I want this

More "Geek Furniture" here

Ok... that's a bit too far

Can I be the ambassador to Cancun?

Funny or Die's Presidential Reunion from Will Ferrell

It's Official

I got the job.

"She feel boo's like she bombed at Apollo"

Wow. Even Lauryn Hill got boo'd at one point in her career. She kept it going though. I can't imagine how I would react in her position. She finishes strong though, guess she didn't have much of a choice. Watching that now and knowing what she ended up doing with her career is true inspiration.

If I could have worn a Megazord version of this in elementary school, I would have.

So... this is how he does it?

10 Years Ago

If you could go back and talk to you 10 years ago, what would you say?

Change of plans

Request Denied

Just got a Facebook request from this girl

Needless to say, I denied the request.

Annoying Stories From My Facebook Feed

Ok, starting something new on the blog, I've thought about doing this for a while, but never got around to it, until now. I have around 1,300 Facebook friends, a majority of which I don't even know. Needless to say, I get a lot of idiocy on my Live Feed. I'm going to start sharing that idiocy right here on my blog. Could be fun...right?

Patterns

We live in a world of patterns and repetition. Fortunately this is something I learned at an early age. I saw the the patterns in my family and in relationships enough where I could usually anticipate the next step someone was going to take per se. I've also come to realize that not everybody gets this.

Even Batman needs a break sometime

So this is what a real Halloween costume looks like?

More cool costumes here

If only this were real...

UPDATE: Just announced, Twilight the Game!

I remember G used to love these strips!

The other perspective...

Being Black

When it comes to being black, I've spent my entire life on the outside looking in. I was separated from my family by divorce. Separated from my peers by labels. And separated from my people by fear.

This is how it's done

NASA Scientists Plan To Approach Girl By 2018 

Absolutely hilarious! (If you've seen Avatar)

 

This is just cool

 

I love the creativity of this piece

This is how I see the world sometimes

You can find more here

Turtle Power!!

Before there were Rangers, there were Turtles!

Big Brother

Today is my little brother's birthday. How old is he? I don't know. In fact I only know one siblings age with absolute certainty. How crazy is that? Two brothers, two sisters, and I only know how old one of them is for sure. I never really felt that bad about it though. Growing up I wasn't really around to celebrate their birthdays with them, nor was I told how old they were. I had a million excuses to pad the feeling of guilt. That is until today. Yesterday I spoke with my dad on the phone, he told me that my little brother's birthday was today. I said something generic like "ok" or "that's cool." Didn't ask how old he was or what his number was so that I could call him, just "ok." Today around noon my phone rang with a number I didn't recognize. As usual with numbers like that, I ignored the call and let it go to voicemail. A few minutes later I checked the voicemail. It was my little brother.

This is family business...

"Do you remember when the family was everything" -John Legend- It don't have to change

The internet is a big place.

As you can see, I've been posting random things from the web today. I've been meaning to do this for a while, just haven't gotten to it. There are a lot of interesting things on the web, so I figure, why not share a little bit of it. Of course I'll still have my usual text post, but I like mixing things up a bit. I figure a lot of other blogs I like post things like that, so why not add a few extra things to my own little piece of the interwebs :-) Hope you enjoy! I know I do!

This is quite interesting since we're talking about women wearing head coverings in my religious studies class.

"Seek love foolishly my boy, even if it kills you."

Foolishly Seeking True Love from Jarrett Lee Conaway on Vimeo.

Maybe not having Mass Effect 2 isn't such a bad thing after all.

Financial Woes

"The best things in life are free, but you can give them to the birds and bees. I need money"

Note to self:

Stop taking things so personally. I've got stop taking things so personally. Especially when it comes to people. New people even more. I get so uncomfortable and analyze everything. Every little thing. I don't know if analyzing things makes me care, or if I analyze things because I care. In the end I guess it doesn't matter. I need to stop, or at least scale it down a bit. Let things just be, take it for surface value. The thing about it is that I'm the only one effected by this. I'm the one racking my brain trying to figure out if what I feel is right and how I should react to it. It's my emotions that are reacting, and my mind that gets stressed. I need to stop, and I need to stop now.

Invisisble

If I say you're interesting
Then that means I'm interested
Which means that I've been thinking bout the best way to address it
Like a hypothesis I test it
I'm trying not to mess it
Up
But if I don't change the variables results won't be effected
So behind the scenes I stress it
While trying not to let it
Show
But you got me nervous girl, can you detect it?
No
Because your attentions somewhere else and you can't help it

So I'll remeain invisible to the girl who thinks she's invisible
Yeah I'm sounding cynical
But that's because I've been here before
And every time its happened things always end the same
I feel like Alicia Keys and you don't know my name
But this one could different
I won't give up just yet
My heart's my only wager, now I'm going to place the bet

Put up or shut up

Right now I'm laying in bed passing the time until Apple calls me for the interview. I had two interviews this past week and another interview Monday with the campus police. Unfortunately, I heard back from the two interviews and I did not get the jobs. I hesitate to say "unfortunately" because I want the Apple job more than any of the other ones. It'd be nice to have options though, you know?

Already?

A couple of weeks ago, I was having a conversation with my friend about relationships. Somehow I brought up the point that people don't know how to really begin new relationships. We have the tendency to want to start new relationships from the same point our old ones ended. Thus giving our new interest the same "benefits" that the old interest had, without the new interest putting in the time. It's comparable to a first year prof getting the same pay and benefits as a tenured professor, it doesn't make sense. We don't see it like that though, we want to maintain that same feeling of comfort and even security that we had in the previous relationship.

Pretty Wings

Jobs, school, and girls those have probably been the most stressful aspects of my life lately. I don't get stressed much at all for the most part, but one big stressor (getting a job) put a few chinks in my armor. Fortunately, things may be turning around :-)

I'm back for the first time

Hello world. I guess this is my diary, my journal, my way to feel that someone somewhere will be a witness to my life. The very idea of blogs can be terrifying, yet satisfying at the same time. This is a place where I will be completely honest. Completely vulnerable. I'm not inviting criticism, but I expect it. I'm not expecting praise, but it may come. I can honestly say that this is for me. This is how I will keep a record of my thoughts and my life. This is how I will remember. While this blog is for me, I won't ignore you. If you've made it this far, maybe I've piqued your interest, so welcome to my life, my world, my reality.